Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Tired of signing one-year contracts with incentives? Frustrated that you're playing for a team 3,000 miles away from your home? Do you feel censored because the owner who pays your salary won't let you have a beard? Are the fans ruining your fun? MLBHarmony may be the cure for you.
For years, we've been matching baseball players who have been unsuccessful in finding the right team, city, and owner to play for, and we have the highest satisfaction rate of any of the matchmaking services around! Just read some of our testimonials:
Alex Rodriguez: I am so lucky I found MLBHarmony. Ever since I left New York and the incessant booing, I have never been happier. Now that I'm with the Kansas City Royals, I can do as I please and I don't have to be forced into failing in the postseason like I was with the Yankees. I took a $20 million per season pay cut, but it's worth being as happy as I am. I'm still as good-looking as ever, and I'm still biracial, but all of the negative press has been taken off of me. Thanks, MLBHarmony!
Joe Torre: Every year since 2001, I've been hounded by "the Boss" because we didn't win the World Series, and frankly, that's a little nerve-wracking. Now that I manage the Chicago Cubs, thanks to MLBHarmony, I bring Chicago what they want every year -- a playoff appearance -- but I'm not required to bring home the big prize. Since MLBHarmony changed my life for the better, I've improved my golf game by four strokes! With the Cubs, I am able to be ignorant to the clubhouse atmosphere and the health of the bullpen, and just ride Derrek Lee's coattails to the playoffs. I sincerely recommend MLBHarmony -- it'll change your life.
Bobby Abreu: My pornstar wife and I would like to express our sincere gratitude to MLBHarmony for giving us a life we never dreamed was possible. Throughout my career, I have been hesitant to run into walls, because, well, they hurt. But MLBHarmony matched me up with a baseball team at Nerf headquarters, and I can bounce around and run into walls like a kid on a sugar rush. My uniform never gets dirty, and I never have to clean any scrapes or worry about bruises. I'm barely making any money, but I'm happy, and that's all that matters. I even found my power stroke again: I have hit 35 homeruns in 35 at-bats in the Nerf League! Thanks MLBHarmony!
Pat Burrell: I love Philadelphia, but I hate the fans. Writers would hound me because I like to go to bars to pick up chicks and have a smoke or two, but isn't a guy allowed to have fun? I got tired of getting booed for taking the most called third strikes in baseball, so I gave MLBHarmony a call, and I'm so excited to be the starting left-fielder for The Martin Law Firm softball beer-league team. Supposedly I'm a secretary for the firm, but between you and me... they just want me for the bat. I've been picking up chicks from all around the building and no one boos me if I take a called third strike in softball. I guess I was born to play company softball. If you think your life could use a change for the better, call MLBHarmony and see what they can do for you.
Brett Myers: As you probably know, I got arrested in June for hitting my wife, but the abuse charge was recently dropped against me. Still, I was tired of all these wussy laws against spousal abuse, so I gave MLBHarmony a call and they packed my bags for me and sent me to where spousal abuse is a long-time tradition: the South! Now, I fly the Confederate flag in honor and punch my wife in the face as soon as I walk in the door! She loves me for it, and we've never been happier. I don't play baseball anymore, but I get to hit my wife in peace and quiet, and MLBHarmony was nice enough to send me a friend: Bobby Cox! We share wife-beating stories right after reading passages from the Bible, usually Ephesians 5:22-24, where it says, Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." What a great passage. If it wasn't for MLBHarmony, I might be in a jail cell in Boston right now.
Barry Bonds: Being the greatest baseball player that ever lived, you can imagine how hot the spotlight shone on me, especially coupled with the steroid controversy. Well, thanks to MLBHarmony, I no longer have to deal with the pressure of the media or the abusive catcalls and signs from the fans in hostile cities. MLBHarmony sent me to be the designated hitter of a team in the Anarctica Fall League. Because of the low population there, my teammates are a couple of scientists, a thrill-seeking adventurer, and a penguin. It's great, though, because none of them care about steroids or my homerun records. I can't wait to start the season in a couple weeks. I'm also broadcasting a show about myself in Anarctica, and it got the highest ratings for the last month. Of course, there are no other shows to compete with, but it doesn't take away the fact that I'm still number one. Thanks MLBHarmony!
Jose Canseco: The success of my book, Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big, brought me back from anonymity and I'm back in the spotlight where I belong. Being a snitch, MLBHarmony sent me to run errands for a mob family based in New Jersey. From what I hear, they love snitches, so I intend to write a tell-all book chronicling the exploits of my new mob family. Better yet -- they're baseball fans, so we'll get a pick-up game of stickball going every once in a while when there aren't any people to kill. I'm a little disappointed ESPN doesn't cover Mob League Stickball, but I offered to tape the games myself to have them broadcast on ESPN 2 after backgammon and horseshoes. If it wasn't for MLBHarmony, I don't know where I'd be... probably pointing fingers at everyone except myself!
Dusty Baker: My image was tattered after the Cubs' worst season since 2000, at 66-96. We had won the division three years ago, but people seem to forget that and blame all of the Cubs' failure on me. They must have forgotten about the two main reasons why we didn't win the World Series: Steve Bartman, and "The Curse of the Billy Goat." Unfortunately, that goat has long since died, but MLBHarmony matched me up with Bartman and we're roommates sharing a room in an apartment building on Sheffield Avenue, which is literally right next to Wrigley Field. I make public appearances with Bartman all the time, and my approval ratings have skyrocketed! You know how they say, "if you want to look better, hang around with someone uglier than you," that's completely true! I've never been more popular and it's all due to MLBHarmony.
Bud Selig: I may have ignored the steroids issue in the early 1990's, but that doesn't mean I have to live with the repercussions. People have been bashing me ever since Bonds hit 73 homeruns in 2001, and frankly, I got tired of it, so I saw an advertisement for MLBHarmony and called them right away. I told them I was tired of being blamed for being asleep at the wheel, and MLBHarmony set me up with someone with the same problems as me. I now live at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue -- the White House! I'm President George W. Bush's special advisor! He, like me, is constantly ridiculed for being asleep at the wheel, and it's an experience we share and bond with. He has the whole "anti-terrorism, but Iraq had nothing to do with terrorism" thing, and I have the "steroids will be a problem, but it's making too much money for me to ban them" thing. We have learned to accept who we are and it wouldn't have been possible without MLBHarmony!
If you are a baseball player in need of a facelift on your life, give us a call. You won't regret it.