UTLEY'S STREAK DEAD AT 35

Friday, August 4, 2006

Chase Utley is helpless as his streak is slowly killed.

Chase Utley's hitting streak was found dead today at Shea Stadium in Queens, New York. The time of death was approximately 10:15 PM. Police have one suspect in custody, Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez, who has also named three accomplices, Darren Oliver, Pedro Feliciano, and Jose Valentin.

The streak was found with five bruises, two of which appear to be due to a symptom known as "swinging and missing." Another bruise appears to have been caused by Valentin, who dove after the streak and threw it to the ground, where it was held captive by Carlos Delgado.

Police have surmised that the streak suffered for about three hours and fifteen minutes before passing away. Shea Stadium security have been questioned and they claim that the suspects entered the stadium at about 3 PM, but had been planning the murder for at least 24 hours.

Utley's streak has only one survivor: David Dellucci's seven-game hitting streak. There will be a public viewing tomorrow at 1:20 PM broadcast nationally on FOX. Jon Lieber and Tom Glavine will be leading the ceremony. Donations can be sent to Shea Stadium.

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