Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Not even three days after most American families squashed down all of their familial loathing for one Thanksgiving dinner sit-down before the most patriotic of birds (sorry, Eagle: get a quarterback who doesn't suffer a season-ending injury every November and we'll think about it), quarterback Michael Vick offered up two of his own birds to his Atlanta Falcons fans. And did those birds ever have a pungent aftertaste.

"It was just a part of a situation where my emotions got the best of me. I apologize sincerely to all my fans and to everybody who saw me make that gesture. ... It won't happen again," said the $130 million quarterback. Because of the "one-fingered victory salute," Vick has been fined $10,000 by the National Football League and directed to donate another $10,000 to charity.

The recipient of Vick's donation is yet to be known, but charities are already clamoring for more athletes to use indecent acts as a way to raise money. I got a hold of some of the letters written by representatives or dependents of several charities:

Dear Mr. Albert Haynesworth,

    As a result of your "stomping incident" on October 1, 2006 against the Cowboys, we were delighted to hear that you will be working with kids and seek counseling to control your emotions.

    The recipient of your cleats, Andre Gurode, still experiences headaches and blurred vision. Don't feel bad, however, as lots of people can benefit from your lack of self-control. The nearly $200,000 you lost during your five-game suspension can and should be given to charities, so we are asking that you request, on our behalf, that some or all of the nearly $200,000 be donated to Tennessee Valley Golden Retriever Rescue, Inc.

Hope to see more stomping in the future,

Tennessee Valley Golden Retriever Rescue, Inc.

Dear Mr. Phil Jackson,

    We are sorry to hear that you have been reprimanded for being critical of the referees after your team lost by six points to the Utah Jazz. In light of the recent fining of Michael Vick, who will be donating $10,000 to charity, we suggest that you suggest to Commissioner David Stern that some or all of your $25,000 fine be donated to charity. Namely, us, the Fashion Group Foundation of America, Inc. We sure would appreciate any donation!

Keep whining,

Fashion Group Foundation of America, Inc.

Dear Mr. Adrian Jones,

    On behalf of the September 11th Widows and Victims Families Association, Inc., we hope you have sobered up nicely. We were remorseful when informed of your charge of Driving While Intoxicated, but we quickly saw the silver lining in your unfortunate situation: the $20,000 you are being fined can be used for a good cause! As the holiday of giving thanks has passed, and the holiday of giving draws near, it would be good P.R. for you and makes this a win-win situation for both of us.

Please ask Commissioner Roger Goodell to donate the $20,000 to September 11th Widows and Victims Families Association, Inc.

Drinking and driving can truly be a good mix.


September 11th Widows and Victims Families Association, Inc.

I also got my fingers on some requests from fans:

Dear Mr. Barry Bonds,

    My name is Johnny and I have never been a fan of yours. I have routinely chastised your name and likeness ever since you became linked with steroids. I have always believed in giving second chances, though, and here's your opportunity: my uncle is in need of a kidney transplant but can't afford it, so I am asking you to take steroids before taking a physical, and donate the money you will be fined to us. You can also use the time off to sell a book or something.


Johnny Gimmedatitsmine

Dear Mr. Brett Myers,

    Down here in this here red state, ain't nothin' better than beatin' yer wife when she ain't cook them steaks good 'nough. Anyways, I'll cut to this here chase, I loved it when you hit yer wife. I'm not asking for a charit'ble donation or nothin', but if you could just punch 'er one more time or somethin' I would be happy as a pig's snort at a haystackin' contest.

Well, I was never good at metamorphics anyway,

Bubba Beernagame

New Orleans Hornets point guard Bobby Jackson has been fined $20,000 for "verbally abusing officials and failing to the leave the court in a timely fashion," according to ESPN. Jackson plans to do the exact same thing during every game for the rest of the season until the NBA decides not to punish him, or until he runs out of money. He stated that the money will go to Katrina relief.

President George W. Bush, who can be seen here giving the "one-finger salute," has been trying to get fined for years, but no one seemed to be understand what he was saying. The FCC declined to comment.

Most of this article is fictional.